I think I'm going to start using xanga again. It's been a while, but I still have my old account.

Him: "My head hurts."
Me: "Well...stop it."

I slept most of the day. Fully waking up around five.. in the evening.

I'm going to church tomorrow. I wish I has more enthusiam to drag myself up out of bed to do something positive. I am trying to find something bigger than myself. But, my mind won't really accept it because it somehow center around myself, which is selfish and uncecessary.

She thinks I have a problem. She wants me to address this problem with my psychiatrist who I don't even remember the name of. I told her it was the only thing that made me feel better. The drugs don't do much- legal or illegal. All you do is chase it, trying to get to feeling from the first time. I'm too indolent to even walk after it. Just move on to something else. The running has helped some. It feels good to come home and take a cold shower afterwards.

They wonder about all this destruction. Probably wonder why I am so stubborn as to refuse their help and push my loved ones away from me by acting careless and selfish. They wonder why I don't take care of myself as I should and how I would lay in bed all day staring at the ceiling if I could without consequence.

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.


I wrote a poem a few nights ago. It needs to be fixed. But, I like it more than the other poems I've written. This one tells a story I like. I want to post it, but I'm a little embarassed by how horrible my writing is. Just.. focus on the story. Not on the way it is written. My vocabulary is horrid and the way I write is a disgrace. The beginning is shitty.. worse than most. Sorry about the writing. It's difficult for me to make a poem pretty when it's a nonfictional part of my past.

Windows we run through

You called me a little late
In the middle of my sleep
But, that's okay my darling
I'm yours and yours to keep
You said there was something wrong
You couldn't even see
Trying to forget- closed your eyes and screamed
I said 'I'm coming over,'
You said, 'you better not.'
But I tried to find you anyway
What was I trying to find- I already forgot..
I ran up all those stairs
The ones that make me count
The milestones of my life
Especially going down
The automatic lights switched on fast
One by one- making my eyes squeeze shut
I tried to come in, but I forgot to ask
Why didn't you answer.. I guess I'll never know
I knocked seven times
Seven time for goodluck
I knocked seven times
I  don't believe in luck
I pulled out the key
The one you gave me last month
Asking you to stay, only for me
And I guess it was too late.. too late to even see
I shouldn't have been trying.
Afterall, I forgot to ask
It wasn't time I was buying
When I heard the sound of breaking glass
When the door opened
The lights were all turned off
On the floor- your hospital bracelets- all color coded
My eyes began to water, this was all too much
I grabbed a pair of scissors
Laying on the floor
Cut off my own bracelet
Layed it next to yours
Identical it seemed
The colors were the same
Identical it seemed
They said we were insane
I could hear them now
Running up the stairs
I focused on your window
Broken and bloody
14th floor of your nuilding
Overlooking a stret so busy
I didn't bother to look down
As I took a breath so deep
I didn't bother to look down
I had never been in a place so steep
I acted like I was walking
And then I fell through fast
Wishing I was dreaming
But nothing could take it back

Where exactly am I supposed to turn, again?

Cherry flavored cough drops

Well, the xfiles movie was pretty good.. I highly recommend it. Of course, I'm a geek who loves the xfiles- so of course I thought it was good. 

I saw your picture of the sunflower.. It looks very nice! I remember about four years ago when I tried to grow one in my backyard.. Ha, it didn't turn out too well.

I'm not taking any medication, aside from the benadryl now- since I'm still having hives and they are worse than ever. It isn't knocking me out as much anymore, but I'm going to switch medications because I can't be falling asleep in school. We still don't know what's causing it.. My guesses are stress and weather.. But, I tend to dislike saying I have stress because there are so many adults out there who will look at me in a condescending way, almost mocking me, unable to believe teenagers have stress. I agree that a lot of the problems are little and they are different. I do not have to worry about bills or taxes and do not need to support myself. But I feel like I am being looked at as a degenerate and that does cause a great deal of distress- when no one will listen to you or take you seriously.

I still agree that therapy would be wonderful for me.. I have been having extreme issues with apathy and would like to work through that, but my father thinks differently, still claiming that I should 'snap out of it.' Also, therapy can be expensive- but I know for a fact that we have as much as we need and then some. Therapy wouldn't be forever..

I have been having sleeping issues, like I always have.. Yet nothing will be done about them, as always. My family seems to like the 'ignore it and it will go away' policy.. I cannot sleep at night, even if I force myself to stay awake during the day when I am extremely fatigued.. But, once the sun comes up, I am able to sleep. I remember reading an article about it a few years ago, saying that it was some sleep disorder. But, then again- it's normal. Everything is supposedly normal for teenagers. If having no emotions is normal, then I guess I'll just live with that.. That is one of the reasons punishment doesn't work on me- because I simply do not care one way or another. If I had a million dollars, it wouldn't matter.. That's what concerns me.

I'm glad to hear your camp went well- it sounded like it would be enjoyable.

There hasn't been much going on lately. It rains every day since we're on the middle of monsoon season.. I don't like it when it rains.. At least, not a lot. I usually do get very depressed during the winter season and usually holidays, too. But, it's summer.. But, I think the rain has an impact on my mood because I feel like it is winter.

My grandparents are coming up next weekend to bring my cats to Arizona.. They're driving, which should be interesting.  I don't know what we'll do since they're only staying for a few days, but it should be nice to see my grandmother.

Jami said we could go to the movies more often, which sounded like it would be okay.. I don't really have any interests in anything right now, but movies take up time and are something to do.

My father told me I'd start piano lessons and get to see a math tutor once I moved here, which I know isn't going to happen this summer. I've noticed my family has a tendency of saying something and never acting on it, which drives me crazy.

Oh, I did get my haircut.. Just trimmed, since I'm trying to grow it out. You can't tell the difference because once I got home, I changed it around to the style I wanted, but here it is..

Currently listening: "Always all ways" - Lost Prophets

--Meghan

We aren't morning people

Longing for the warmth

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.. I have a tendency to lack motivation.

In gym, we’re still doing volleyball. It’s torturous. My team was sitting out, not even played because we have six teams and two nets so two teams will sit out while the others play and all that. Even there I’m not safe. I keep feeling like I’m going to get hit by the volleyball.. -.- I was sitting there, watching the other people play, making sure they didn’t hit it over towards where I was.. And they did. ..That was scary. Really, it was! I just pulled my legs up close to me and put my hands over my head and was just like, ‘ahh!!’

We had to get partners, so naturally- I was the only one without one. Doesn’t bother me as much as you think it would. Anyway, this one guy really wanted me on his team for some reason and he kept telling his team captain to pick me.. Hah. He didn’t know my name. “Pick the girl without a partner in black!”

We made cookies in cooking.. All week long. I would rather write an essay to be honest. In sewing, I began and finished an entire today.. All at once. I seem to be very, very concentrated today. Worked extra hard on the things that needed to get done. Fast, too. I had a major English test- 100 questions. I finished in like twenty minutes without missing a question.. Hah. I didn’t even study for the thing. I am very gifted when it comes to Greek/Latin tests though. I don’t think I have been as concentrated as I was today in a very long time. I really don’t understand why I was though.. I really don’t. ><

In science, we watched a video about tornados.. Lots and lots of tornado footage. Even though I’m scared of tornados, I liked the video. The beginning was really funny though.

In History, we had another lecture- like we do every single day. This time it was about The whole Antebellum thing and who started the Civil war.. I can’t remember the guy who did. <_< I do pay attention in that class though, I really do. I was just thinking about how I remind myself of Henry Clay.. And how I wish I didn’t.

We have a social worked coming over today.. Isn’t that wonderful? Heidi says she hired her.. But- we all know it’s SRS being assigned to come out her and give Heidi and I this so called therapy.. Together.. Oh dear god.. That is not going to go well. I mean, we’ll in the same room. I think she’ll just sit us down and try to ‘work things out.’ Or maybe it’ll be just a quick visit to make sure nothing went wrong this week.. Well- Monday was absolutely horrible, but I’m not going to really put that out in the open in front of them. Monday- short version

Short version- on Monday, I woke up late. I was so enervated and slept through my alarm and I always get myself up. I always get up on time and never sleep through my alarm, no matter how horrible I feel. Heidi was angry, but she was convinced that she was going to drive me to school. We were both cranky and in the car she began talking about court. I wouldn’t talk about it- so she ended up giving me a bloody nose. I hit her back though- more of a self defense mechanism than anything else though.

It was warmed today than usual. When I got home, I went on a walk.. I was planning on going running, but I couldn’t really find any trails and I always feel so weird running up along the sidewalk with all those cars passing by. It was getting windy though.. And that made it colder. So I was only out for like thirty minutes.

I was walking home and saw Heidi’s car in the parking lot and just though, “..Great.. Now I reaalllly don’t want to go in there.” XD The sarcastic tone I thought it in was sort of funny.

I have gotten to sort track and volleyball uniforms twice this week in place of gym. I guess the coach noticed how much I disliked it and thought it would be a nice alternative. And it was. This other girl and I sorted out the track uniforms according to size and she just talked and talked. Just about random things- what she did the night before, the people she knew. We- well, really rather her than we, but we even talked about sports.. That was interesting since I know absolutely nothing about sports. More of school sports though. Anyway, I guess she just needed to talk. XP

We got our enrollment forms in English two days ago. Everyone needs to fill one out- regardless if they are staying. I already knew that though- since I move every year. I’ve still got the papers- they’re due back around March 6^th. I’m going to take regular science, history, and math- but Pre AP English instead of regular English. I have a consistent A in English, so I figure it would be nice to be a little more.. I don’t know- challenged since it’s my favorite class, and not just because it’s easy.

..God, I want to write so badly right now. Makes me want to scream. -.- Writer’s block, writer’s block, go away, don’t come again another day.

It really does get dark quickly around here- or at least, today it did. I’ve been sitting here, looking out the window every five minutes or so, watching the sky become a darker blue every time I look out. Soon it will probably be black. And that’ll be pretty. The lights from the busy intersection and the blackness of the sky make it that way. I almost like living next to a busy road for that very reason.

I suppose I should clean my room since I’m expecting company. It really is clean though- it’s just my desk that is such a mess.. Guess I should organize it then.. Hey- “A cluttered desk is a sign of genius.” That was a quote I remember seeing on one of Heidi’s mother’s pillows.

I’ve felt like writing a poem all day long.. Except- I really can’t.. I tried.. And tried.. And tried. Just doesn’t work. I’ve been reading some of my favorite poets work. I like how he writes. We just read one of his short stories in English. I really liked it.. Of course, everyone else just thought it was weird and couldn’t understand it…

I like darker literature.. I guess I write ‘darker’ literature.. It’s more of an odd essence of sadness than dark, but call it what you want. I mean suppose what I‘m trying to say is that it‘s not “cut my wrists, black my eyes” sort of stuff. It’s not my view of life as a ‘teenage girl’ or even those words separated. I don’t place myself actually in the story and make myself a character- that really irritates me when young girls do that, picturing their impeccable life and make everything out it be so.. Ugh. And then actually writing that crap down and letting other people read it! That’s ten minutes of my life- wasted!

See how sidetracked I get? I do that on essays too.. I’ll begin with one subject- finished off that point completely- and make a 90 degree turn onto something else, something the first subject reminded me of and it’s like one big journal entry.. I love essays. XP

The Greek/Latin words were so easy.. I want harder words! Something that I can learn. Not something that I can just get by on… Although- I suppose an easy A was good because of how Heidi has been taking time away from me.

Currently listening: “Passenger seat” - Death cab for cutie (<-- very good song)

–Meghan